Unfulfilling sex and the problem of gender equality

Our culture had made big steps forward in promoting and implementing equal rights of all genders. Yet, gender equality brings another problem: The fading of sexual polarity. Unfulfilling sex is common, in a society where men and women have lost touch with their own sexuality. 

Now, before everyone’s jumping off their chairs: Of course, there are various reasons for an unfulfilled sex-life, and of course gender equality is a great accomplishment of man-kind. With this article I will do nothing more than to refer to what is obvious, and yet ignored.

Sexual polarity.

The principle is easy to understand: The feminine and masculine poles attract each other. Naturally. Evolution has shown that, and every high-school boy and girl knows what it means to be attracted to, either the other sex, or the same sex (as an example: A very ‘feminine’ man can be attracted to a ‘masculine’ man – and vise versa).

Gender doesn’t play a big role here, what counts for sexual attraction is the polarity between the feminine and the masculine. The stronger the poles, the stronger the magnetism.

It’s as simple as that.

(This is one of the reasons why “assholes” with a “soft-heart” are so sexually attractive to women. Or why hyper-submissive women seduce men from all over the world to visit porn-sites.)

Unfulfilling sex due to gender equality

Now; we live in a culture where women more and more are pursuing careers or dedicate their time and energy to other missions.

On the other hand men, clearly embracing more feminine aspects. The fact that more and more men are opening up to their emotions and have the ability to recognize and share the feelings are just two signs of this trend.

In short – over the last 60 years: Men transformed more and more from being the asshole-macho guys, into more feminine, caring and compassionate people. Whereas women changed from being submissive house-wives into capable, well-educated leaders.

Our culture has evolved and both genders have been starting to learn from each other.

Equality has mostly arrived (with still some exceptions).

But with that – the polarity had been fading away. And here comes the problem, as men and women lose touch with their true core sex and “meet each other in the middle” sexual frustration and somehow unfulfilling sex is already programmed.

Polarity is needed.

In order to create sexual tension and attraction, polarity is needed!

Here’s the good news: There’s no need to become jerks again – or submissive house-wives. We have evolved.

It is rather a call not to neglect your core drive – your true essence. If that core is masculine or feminine doesn’t matter.

But we are men and women – and rarely neutral.

Men who neglect their masculine and women who neglect their feminine are unable to create attraction. Unless a very feminine man, meets a very masculine woman (or vise versa or any other constellation that creates polarity.)

We live in an interesting time of gender equality…

…and surely this is a great time in history.

Yet, men and women have completely different core values. And it’s being obverved in our behaviour. Men deeply value freedom. Women deeply value connection. And even if, on the “highest” level, those two eventually become same – to deny this difference, would be the same as denying black and white and your existence as a human being on this planet.

We are different and at the same time complementary.

The ancient and so profound Chinese symbol of the two contrary- and at the same time complementary forces. Shows the masculine and female polarity so accurately.

There’s a reason why the yin and the yang is not just an ugly gray circle. The same as our world isn’t. We are in a dance a dance full of colors, happenings, differences.

It is that dance, that makes us grow and expand. We need each other. And there’s no need to be the same. Equal in rights yes, but not equal in our genders. We are here to learn from each other – to complement each other.

Equality brought many benefits. Our society makes great progress in including more and discriminating less.

Yet, for the communion of the masculine and feminine – we need the tension, the dance, the polarity. A dance between the black and the white… and not a gray circle. Denying it leads to sex without polarity – a gray, boring nothing.

And to restore the tension, we’ve got to find our way back to what we are born with. Without denying it. To allow ourselves to have passion, to own our lust – to stay true to our desires.

When we allow ourselves to be human – we allow the dance to happen. It is simple. Polarity is nothing to be forced or found – it exists, if we allow it and all that is left is to enjoy it.


I’ll leave the comments open for discussion. If you think that the dialogue about sex needs to be encouraged in our society and that this article is worth a share, then please do this.

Thank you Kristina Flour for the cover photo.

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